It wasn't until I boarded a plane to Mexico for two weeks that I finally realize that sometimes god throws things at us, and if we can make it out alive, we end up stronger in the end. For a while I wondered why bad things happened to good people, and why good things happened to bad people. . . and then I just said to my self, "SCREW IT," and kicked my butt into gear. I relaxed, and slept, and tanned. I took the time I needed for myself and it might have been the most satisfying and needed thing, I well, needed. Let's be honest, a few margaritas in general can make you forget the people and things that made you feel inadequate, but when it actually starts to sink in without the help of tequila, it's a whole new feeling. Taking time away to be alone, I realized how much love I needed to pour back into myself; and realized that I was going to dedicate this summer to me.
When I finally arrived back in Colorado, I was tanned and ready to take it on. I surrounded myself with the best of friends anyone could possibly ask for, and started doing the things that made me feel alive and good. For a while my life had turned completely upside down. Having some of the people you trust in and care about the most hurt you and break you, it's a lot to handle. Not to mention adding the stress of finals. My life in one word was this: overwhelming. But now it was as if those things that made me feel so sad and incomplete never happened.
I started falling in love with myself again, and I realized, it might be the strongest love one can give and receive in life. Despite whether or not we have things that contribute to our blindness; or whether or not we aren't in tune with the things that satisfy us, and make us feel whole, I think most of us spend the majority of our lives finding things to fill our gaps. However, the truth of that matter is: the things to fill our gaps aren't even things at all; It's us.
Life is confusing, and chaotic, and full of things that want to suppress us. I've seen it swallow up friends and put them down, and it's sad. It swallowed me up for a time, its swallowed me up many times, but the strongest way to get out of it, is self love and acceptance. It sounds cheesy but it's true; and I don't think I ever really realized it until now. When we lose site of the things that make us feel alive, are we really living? I think the answer is no.
Carrie Bradshaw once stated, "Don't forget to fall in love with yourself first." And it's stuck with me since. I think when we are truly happy with ourselves, we're happy with life. I know I feel much better about myself and more confident when I wear high heels. I'm 5'8 flat footed, and about 6'1 in high heels depending on the shoe. It used to stop me for a while, because I tower over half the guys in the room, but now nothing stands in the way of me and my wedges. I feel better when I'm working out all the time. Just because I'm tired one day, doesn't mean I can't get in some sort of exercise. I feel better when my nails are painted and my hair is curled and my skin is kissed by the sun. I feel better when my relationships with the important people in my life are thriving. I feel better when I get a birds eye view over mountaintops. I feel better when I can sing in my car at the top of my lungs, and laugh because when my voice cracks on the high notes I look over to my girlfriend and say "I HIT IT!!" These are the things I realized when I stopped drowning myself in things that made me feel inadequate and started drowning myself in the things that made me feel worth while.
Do the things that make you feel alive. Life is for living (and loving); and when you love yourself the rest just comes.
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