Friend or Foe?

This is for all you people drinking the hater-ade. I know, the term hater-ade is dorky but deal with it. For those of you saying you can't be friends with your ex's, you my sweet cheeks are in denial. And as we all assumed, I would know.

How to be friends with your Ex's 101:

Seriously, this should be an actual course, because mastering it can be difficult as. . . we all know what sometimes. I think everyone secretly wants to hate their ex on some level just because it helps with the disappointment things didn't work out. But truth is? Being friends works out in the long run, and actually makes you feel better. 

I think the reason some of us get so depressed over break-ups is not only because we lost someone we cared about, but we also lost a friend. It's really hard to just date someone without building a friendship first, and when it doesn't work out, we lose the friendship too. Well not anymore! I've managed to stay friends with most of my "ex's" and I'm pretty damn proud of that! 

So many of my girlfriends ask me, "Ugh, Why are you still friends with him? I could never do that. I don't want to be friends, mer mer mer." That's probably why I'm a lot happier and more confident about my love life than you. 

Trying to be friends with your ex takes some time and effort. A lot of times I thought to myself  "Is this even worth it?" and almost gave up, but the fact I stuck it out, made all the difference in the world. Truthfully, I'm almost better friends with some of my ex's than I am with my girlfriends. So that is a huge wake up call! It can be done!! 

The biggest thing you're going to need is time. Time is essential. You can't break up with someone and then 5 minutes later go back to being friends, I wish you could do that, but you can't. Life isn't that way. I had to take almost two months to really feel like my ex and I were okay, and on stable ground for continuing the friendship. We broke up, and the first couple of weeks, as accepting as I was of the fact we broke up, I can't say I wasn't over it. He then left on a trip for a month, and I spent that month hanging out with other guys and my friends. I was doing me. The fact I didn't have to see him, or hear about him every day made it easy to move on. By the time he returned I was excited, but on a friendly level. I had started seeing other people, spending time with my friends, it was great! And he and I were actually back to being like we were before we dated, hanging out and talking on a regular basis.

Another thing you need to do is actually move on! Find other people! I think people miss this step because they're afraid of hurting the others feelings. [Yeah, it's kind of a bummer or makes you uncomfortable when they finally take a step in the other direction, but that means they're wanting you to do the same]. Friends who are ex's who don't want what's best for the other, aren't good friends. It's going to be hard and knock the winds out of their sails a little when someone new rolls around, but just know it's almost a cue for them. You're saying to them: "It's okay you move on too." I was actually excited for my friend/ex when he got a new girlfriend-thing. If you're a real friend, or trying to be, you want them to be happy! So be encouraging, and talk to them about it! Because when one of you starts moving on, the other is going to be curious how it's going. 

The last thing, is reassure and TALK to them! When you say you're friends and then don't talk or hang out, it kind of defeats and contradicts the purpose. Why are you going to be friends, if you're not going to do friendly things? I still have a lot of fun with my ex's and it's never awkward. We dated, we should be pretty comfortable around one another. Make plans to go see a movie, or hang out. I don't see what the big deal is? You do it with all your other friends! Include them into things and let them know you still want to be apart of their life. If you get that feeling they don't really understand the "friendship" then reassure them you still want to be friends. Go to a concert together, go get lunch. Do something! If you state your friends, and don't act like it, then you're fooling yourself, and you aren't really friends. 

So for those of you who say you can't be friends with your exs. FALSE. I am friends with almost every single one of mine. It takes time and effort. You can't just be like "It's over, let's be friends. Hey wanna go get doughnuts?" No! But you can work yourself back up to that point. And what you realize when you get there is almost how much better friends you are after dating. I visit mine at college, go hang out on the weekends, and talk to them on a pretty regular basis. And I believe I am a truly happier person because of it, so I hope you take my advice, so you can be truly happy as well :) 

Well EX-cuse me

We've all had ex's. Now the word ex's always brings a certain feeling to everybody. For some of mine, it's the feeling of total disgust, others fondness, others sadness; It just depends on the person. But some of mine never seem to go away, and always, in someway or somehow bother me for more. I'm not being narcissistic when I say this, I don't really believe my ex's never got over me, and desperately want me again. . . I'm just saying, every once in a while one pops up at the most inconvenient time, always wanting something.

Let me just tell you this though, I'm fed up! And if you're an ex reading this, I'm not necessarily fed up with you personally, I'm just fed up with some of the BS you pull on me.

For all you people out there who have had to deal with ex problems, then this is for you, cause I say enough already! This needs to quit! Why must you taunt us with mixed signals? Are we friend or foe? Do you want me do you not want me? What is the deal? I just want an answer!
:( #FRUSTRATED.

THINGS YOUR EX'S DO & WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

1.Put the moves on you post break-up:

I think this one is the most occurring, most confusing, and most frustrating thing ever! We broke up for a reason. . . what are you doing?! [Especially when they're the ones who broke up with YOU]. Ummmm hello???? Do you still have feelings for me....? Is this entertainment for you...? Why are you doing this....? Some of the million thoughts that run through our mind when this happens. I get that there will always be chemistry between you, and sometimes it's hard to fight, but really avoiding this is for the best. Unless they have real intentions of getting back together, as harmless and nostalgic as it is to flirt, don't play into this. It's not worth your time, and it's not going to change anything. It's just going to mix up your feelings for one another, and before you know it, one person still has feelings for the other, and it turns into a huge ole mess.

Example:

My boyfriend and I broke up at the beginning of summer, and it was pretty mutual. We got together one afternoon to talk and both knew where it was going. There was still chemistry, but it was just time. That night we were at a party, when I was about to leave, I went in for a hug, you know, to show we could still be friends. . . turns out it wouldn't end like that. Nope, he went in for a full on kiss, and I'm talking like a we didn't break up a couple of hours ago, and we're still together kiss. It totally threw me off. I stopped mid way and was like "Wait, this is confusing." And his response? "So..?" OKAY, WHAT THE HELL?!

What to do about it:

As much as you want to pretend like "Oh it's just one time" and "It's not that big of a deal" No! Do not fool yourself, it is a big deal and you know it. When they pull this kind of BS on you, it's not okay! It's not one time! That just means your opening all new doors to things that are going to make your life confusing and miserable. Okay, perhaps a bit dramatic, but I'm serious! It's going to make them think it's okay to play with your feelings, an that they still have power over you. No one really moves on from the break up because their always going to remain an option in your mind.
If this happens you need to man or woman up and tell them how you feel. As dumb as you may seem, it's the best and only way. Straight up ask them how they feel about you. If their response isn't "I made a mistake I want to get back together 100% , right now" then it's good you caught it early on. This has happened to me, and I never did anything about it, thinking it was okay. Little did I know, I would spend another few months of my life wondering what their reasoning was behind it. When I finally got up the courage to ask it was "because it was convenient for them, and I was someone they still had good chemistry with, and knew what they were doing with." Wow, not the reaction I was hoping for! Well hello! Most of the time that's going to be the reaction for you. So when something like this comes along, nip it in the bud and call them out on it. Or else you're in for a whole lot of trouble.

2. Are total d-bags when the break-up, so you thought, ended smoothly:

They're probably just butt hurt, or don't want you to feel like there is still a connection, or both. Or they really are just a jerk.
 I don't know if I'll understand why, but to the best of my ability I'll contribute to solving the mystery. So let's go with the first one. Even though you're broken up, you will always have some sort of feelings for the other. Maybe they're buried way deep down, like you'd shed a tear if they died, but hey! That still counts! ....So they're butt hurt (upset). Sometimes during break ups that we think went smoothly, there are unresolved, and un...stated feelings. A lot of times, we don't want to seem like the desperate one, so we just casually agree that breaking up is the best, even when we disagree. You state that you will continue to be friends, but it takes time and effort to actually be comfortable with the idea. If it's within a two week radius or so of post break-up-ness, I'd just let it slide, it'll probably blow over sooner than you think.
Signs/Symptoms of being butt hurt:
1. Bitter behavior (i.e snappy remarks, mean jokes, etc.)
2. Mood-swings (i.e being totally happy and then totally crabby two seconds later)
3. Ignoring (don't respond)
4. It's been a while, I'll get back to you on more signs/symptoms

Cures:
1. Time

Okay, moving on. . .Option: they don't want you to feel like there is still a connection. This one basically explains itself. As totally immature, and stupid this one sounds, it makes sense. Even though you broke up, and it went smoothly, no one wants to pull a #1. (Puts moves on you post break up). Although a friendly gesture could totally just be a friendly gesture, post break up sometimes could send unintentional, mixed signals. Being in a relationship changes a lot of things, even when we don't want it to. You begin over analyzing everything your ex does and what it means. The best way to sort this one out is to just to talk to them and reassure them you're just friends, and you know that. When they feel comfortable and assured that you know it's now just a friendship, they'll stop being so awkward, jerky, and cautious about what they're doing.
Signs/Symptoms:
1. Signs/symptoms of being butt hurt
2. Continues for a while
3. Bragging about hook-ups
4. Treating you as much like "one of the guys/girls" as possible



Cures:
1. Confrontation (the reassuring kind, not sloppy drunk girl kind)
2. Get a new significant other
3. Time...

Last but not least, they really are just a jerk. If they're just being completely insincere to you in all ways, then sweetheart you should be glad you're not with them anymore. They're too immature to be a normal human being and treat your feelings with respect. Don't take it too personally, they're just an idiot.

3. They act like you've never dated or been together:

I can understand this one, and I don't think just because you've dated someone, and it didn't work out you should automatically brand them with EX, but acknowledging the fact once in a while doesn't kill you, does it? I agree that once you've broken up, if you remain friends, you should focus more on the fact that you're friends, but the fact you were together shouldn't just be brushed under the rug. Sometimes it's important to verify, clarify, and remember. Whether it worked out or not, people like to be acknowledged for being someone special. It's healthy and normal. I know when I don't even get credited for being a medium-termed girlfriend, it's kind of a bummer. I don't want to be referred to that all the time, but if you're going to associate with me, the fact we dated shouldn't really be thrown out of the "list of memories and good times" if you know what I mean.

Example:
My sister and her boyfriend were both associated with the Greek life at college. When my ex boyfriend went to school, he called me one night he was going to a frat party. He told me he was going to the same house my sister's boyfriend's apart of and asked if he could name drop to help him "make some friends" or at least converse with people. When asked what he would say if he got a reaction his response was something along the lines of  "Oh yeah, I know her sister. Or like I hooked up with her sister. Or I'm friends with her sister." Haha, glad I was so much more to you in our relationship than a hookup? Um okay?

 Like I said, it shouldn't be a permanent label or really an important one at that, but when appropriate, it should be acknowledged damnit! You wouldn't refer to a pet dog as "this random dog living in your house for a while" No! So don't forget us ex's exist too! Especially when you begin seeing other people, they should know you have a history, whether it's important to you or not. And if they meet so called history they should know who you are, even if it doesn't matter anymore. I rest my case.

What to do about it:
There's really nothing you can do unless it really bothers you, then I guess confront it? But just remember for when your exs roll around.

Ivan-t you to Want Me

My dating life has never been super lucky. I mean granite, a girl at 18 shouldn't really have that much history or experience with boyfriends, but compared to the rest of my friends... I'm still a little far behind.

It was this past summer, in June my boyfriend and I of 5 months had split up, and I was back on the menu so to speak. I began, I'm not sure if seeing is the correct term, but seeing if you will, this other guy. Things were pretty good, but he was leaving back to college at the beginning of August, and I would be finishing my last year of high school, so we stopped seeing each other as often. During this lull in our "relationship" I was befriended by a local boy who moved into town to attend the community college. I had seen him working in a local clothing shop a couple times before hand, but he never stroke up a conversation until now. He had all the right lines and things girls wanted to hear so I accepted a date with him.


There was a comet shower the night of our date so instead of doing something generic like dinner or a movie, we decided to lay on the hood of my car with blankets instead. Snuggled up underneath blankets, we talked and laughed and shared stories; but the funny thing is we weren't even touching. It was a romantic evening and he seemed to be the perfect gentleman. The night was cooling down and my mom started ringing the bell to pack up and head home, so I drove him back to his ruckus at a parking lot down the hill.
"I had a really nice time tonight, and I'd love to go on a second date if you want to" He told me.
"Yeah a second date would be really nice" I replied.
"Call me when you get home?" I knew it wasn't a question, but I smiled back "Of course".
He then hesitantly leaned in, and kissed me. Nothing big or long, just a tiny peck on the lips.
"Okay," He abruptly stated as he started the bike. "I'll talk to you later."
"...Yeah..." I said getting into my car. That was a little weird.

We continued to see one another as the days progressed into weeks and so forth. He would text me every minute we weren't together, and continually persuaded me to visit him at work. "You're so beautiful" "Come visit me!" "Babe, Dear, Sweetie, Love, Hun" he was almost too sweet.

"He's really nice" I skyped to my best friend who was studying abroad in Argentina. "Like almost too sweet!"
"Haha, Right? It's almost annoying how nice they are! But I'm happy for you, you deserve someone to actually treat you like you deserve!"

And I was happy, I finally found a genuinely nice guy! Things started feeling more comfortable, and it seemed he almost made a priority that I fit in with his life style. I spent countless nights with him and his roommates cooking dinner, watching movies, and playing Mario Kart (which is a nightly ritual). He would introduce me to his friends or people he knew as "This is my girlfriend Liesl" even when we never talked about our status.
"I really like you and want to be exclusive with you," He would tell me. "I just want you to want the same thing."
But I wasn't sure if I did at the time. I did really like him, and he was totally sweet. I thought of him as my boyfriend. So why was it so hard to commit? My ex boyfriend and I were over, and so was I with the other guy who was back at college.
"I really like you too; let's just see how it goes." I would answer back.

The beginning of the school year was vastly approaching, and our relationship was vastly progressing. Things started feeling serious. We started talking about big subjects and started getting into that "groove" (everyone whose been in relationships know what I'm talking about). We were slowly getting out of the honey moon stage, and started getting into the "old comfortable shoe" area. We started picking things up with other aspects of our lives: School, friends, work. The text messages stopped being as endearing, the trips to his house became less and less enthusiastic.
"We need to move on in our relationship" I would find him say. "Get past the big elephant in the room."  I think you all know what I'm talking about here, so I'm not even going to say it.

That I was definitely hesitant on, and it was a pretty big deal for me. We had only been seeing each other a couple of weeks, and although we felt comfortable with one another, I didn't want to risk it so early. We had talked about it, and he seemed fine with the fact I wanted to take things slow and not rush into anything, but lately he was getting antsy. . . and I could tell. I started shying away from the subject but it began being inevitable. Every single day it would get brought up and I was getting tired of arguing my case. Maybe it wasn't as big of a deal I was making it out to be? Maybe I was just being too cautious? Too selfish?

The school year officially started for the both of us, so talking as often went down to a pretty low minimum. Finally a weekend approached and we planned to hang out. He picked me up, and we drove over to his apartment. . . No roommates insight.
"They're stargazing up at the falls," he told me.
"Oh," I said. We sat down on the couch and started to cuddle. The tense-ness started melting away, and we began kissing.
"Let's go upstairs," he whispered into my ear and kissed my forehead.
"...Okay." I whispered back.

No one will no what happened after we went upstairs. . . Maybe we got over "the big elephant in the room" or maybe I said no, but before I knew it, I was back in my bed asleep at home. "I'll call you tomorrow," He said and kissed me as I got out of the car. He didn't look at me as I opened the door.
"Okay," I smiled.

Things, as I assumed, took a turn for the worst. The next day I didn't receive a call, or text. With any other guy, this would have totally been normal; but for him, Not a good sign.
"He's probably just busy," I thought to myself. "Stop freaking out." But I couldn't help that pit in my stomach. A woman's intuition is really accurate. . . all the time.

Talking turned into one response conversations for 10 minutes, then silence for another day or two. This lasted about a week. Finally, I was through with the bullshit. I didn't care anymore, I just wanted to hear it and know.

This is done isn't it?
I'm just to busy for you and this right now.
Yeah I understand.


And that was the end of that. No "I'm sorry." No explanation. Just... three words. Awesome.

I don't really like confronting things or making big deals about little things. The last thing I wanted was to be the crazy "ex girlfriend" who was too dumb to "see it coming" but really, I didn't see it coming at all. I didn't cry, or eat gallons of ice cream, and throw shit around my room. I messaged my bestfriend.

"WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHE-BAG" she said comforting me the best she could. "UGGGHHH I HATE GUYS! I'M SO FREAKING GLAD TO BE HERE IN ARGENTINA WHERE I CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THEM."

"Haha, can I come visit you?" I would always ask. Really dealing with the fact I was basically dumped on my ass wasn't that hard, just going through it alone was the hardest. It was on my mind, all the time.

"Hey. I miss you, and could reeeaaalllyyyy use a hug right now. :(" I sent my ex boyfriend.


"Hey! Are you alright? I miss you too. College is pretty crazy. I have special hugs? I'd totally give you one if I could!" He'd reply. At least I had one... decent one... in the pumpkin patch. "I can't really talk right now, and I'm not sure what's going on but I love you and call me tomorrow or something and we'll talk."



(Not Real Text Message)

I never called back the next day but it was at least reassuring. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. My best friend came home from Argentina, Halloween, Thanksgiving. Time was flying by, but it was still hard getting past the mishap in September.

Finally mid December approached. One of my girl-friends had gotten a job at the same clothing shop he worked in. I had avoided going in after the incident, but finally, I was over it.

"It's my first day!" she said. "Dude come visit me!"
"Haha alright" I said.
"Okay, I work at 3."

I pulled up outside the store but I wasn't scared or nervous. I pulled my head up with confidence and put a smile on my face. It was a little after three, and I was going to call her to see if it was okay to stop in. I searched all around for my phone but couldn't find it. I left it at home charging when I was in a rush to get to class this morning. Oh well. I got out of my car and made a strut into the store.
Please don't be working, please don't be working. I thought to myself as I entered the store and look around.
Of course. . . He's at the front counter. . . alone.

"Hey!" He smiled and looked suprised to see me. It was a happy/excited surprise though, not an "Oh shit" suprise I was expecting.
"Weird." I said to myself. "Um hey!" I smiled back. "...Is umm... Is emily here?"
His face dropped a little bit in disappointment. "Oh yeah.. uh. . . she's in back right now."
"Oh, ha" this was awkward. "I uh. . . she told me to come in and say hi." I shrugged.
"Well you should come back tomorrow. She's just training today so she wont be out on the floor really."
You can't just tell her to come out for 20 seconds?
"Oh. Um alright. I guess I'll be back tomorrow then" I said enthusiastically. "It was good too see you" I said walking out the door.
"Yeah," he called back. "I was really good seeing you too."

I got home and grabbed my phone to check all the text messages, calls, and emails I missed that day.
8 new text messages

I scrolled through the list, and to my surprise 4 were from him. . . from 9 am that morning.

AWKWARD.

Hey.
I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now.
I just wanted to apologize for everything I did. I'm sorry for ever hurting you and treating you the way I did. I can understand if you don't want to talk to me, but I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you last night and realized how much of a jerk I am. I hope you can forgive me one day, and I hope we could be friends. I'm sorry for hurting you. I really am.

DOUBLE AWKWARD

This was the reason for the excited/happy surprise demeanor. Ohhh this is awkward. I didn't know he sent that. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You're laughing too, and that's okay. Well if you're wondering what happened next, I accepted his apology, and we moved on with our lives. We occasionally text one another, hang out (the rarest moments), and he gives me discounts when I need new clothes or buy something from the store. Attempting to be friends is difficult at times, but it's better than nothing, and I'm glad not to be bitter towards him anymore. If you're someone who knows me at all, being unhappy is not my strongest suit.